


Parry this You Filthy Casual

by ThatRandomDude



Series: Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Fuck you, Mordegon [1]
Category: Dragon Quest XI
Genre: Crack, Eleven is salty over cobblestone being destroyed, Hero | Luminary is Named Eleven | El (Dragon Quest XI), I Don't Even Know, Local Knight of Heliodor has mental breakdown over salty demon child, Multi, My First Work in This Fandom, Nonsense, OOC but its just Eleven, Randomness, Swearing, Why Did I Write This?, idk why but I liked the idea of Eleven being salty and sad bastard Jasper, no betas we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26650258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatRandomDude/pseuds/ThatRandomDude
Summary: Jasper, after having a mental crisis over how the Darkspawn survived jumping off a cliff, encounters the very same Darkspawn in Gondolia, determined to not let him get away (again). Only, the Darkspawn is a being a little shit, which makes his job harder. What happens? Absolute chaos happens!
Series: Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Fuck you, Mordegon [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939054
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Parry this You Filthy Casual

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I've ever written, I hope you enjoy it! I just decided to yeet every single funny idea I had in the DQXI fandom and put it in this one fanfiction. This is also work 1 of a series called "Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Fuck you, Mordegon". By the way, Eleven is still very salty over being framed as the Darkspawn and having his home destroyed.
> 
> This was highly inspired by some of the Sonic Fandubs, btw
> 
> Also inspired by Daovihi's "Why I Wasn't Allowed to Write Dragon Quest XI"
> 
> Also I didn't proofread this.  
> no betas we die like men

"IT'S BEEN 17 DAYS. I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT WHY YOU'RE NOT DEAD."  
Jasper isn't happy. The Darkspawn keeps getting away and it's driving him up the wall. Carnelian is going to kill him if he lets the goddess-damned Darkspawn escape. If you're wondering what he was doing throughout that time, Jasper was pondering over how the actual frick did the Darkspawn and and the Blue Spawnspawn survive the fall off a fucking cliff?! How?! He reminisces on what one of the guards told him.

*******

"Sir Jasper?" One of the soldiers said, shuffling into the room.  
"Yes? What is it?" Jasper responds, not looking up from the floor. He had nothing to do at the time so staring at the floor was the next best thing as he heard Hendrik scream from the other room of the castle. Jasper eventually grew tired of Hendrik's prolonged screams and sighed.  
"What is he screaming about?" Jasper asks, finally turning his gaze from the floor to the wall in which he could hear Hendrik's screams of anger through it.  
"The Darkspawn got away. I mean, he and the other prisoner, the thief... Erik, was it? Jumped off a cliff in their little... escapade," the soldier replies, trying to sound confident but knew damn well Jasper was going to throttle him if he said something he didn't want to hear. Jasper's expression of slight disbelief shifted into a smug smirk.  
"Are they dead? Please tell me the fall killed them." Jasper turned his back on the soldier, pushed some hair out of his face with his hand and started pacing around the room as he continued his monologue whilst the soldier stood there, not giving a shit.  
"I mean... They... couldn't have survived the fall, ri--"  
"Well, yes but actually no," The soldier responds, interrupting Jasper's little speech. Almost immediately, Jasper's face contorted into an expression of pure shock.  
"You... you mean they SURVIVED?! HOW?!" He shouted, his voice growing louder with every word. He turned to the soldier as he backed away in horror.  
"I don't know! They just... did!" The soldier exclaimed, not understanding how the Darkspawn had survived the fall of what was possibly a seven-foot (seven?) tall cliff.  
Almost immediately, Jasper started having a crisis over the situation.

_"_ _What the actual shit, how did the Darkspawn survive?! HOW?! It's not possible to survive jumping off a cliff! I don't think he's lying, but... the Darkspawn is the Darkspawn, he could've possibly spared his own life. I--- wh--"_

  
"Uhhh, sir? Are you OK--"  
"I'M. FINE. I'M ABSOLUTELY FINE," Jasper says through clenched teeth, his voice higher than usual. The soldier looks in both directions and decided to leave Sir Jasper to his... uh... crisis.  
"Um... OK... have a good day, Sir Jasper." The soldier says as he saunters out of the room, the thud of closing doors heard as he leaves.

*******

"If you want to know why I'm not dead, it's because I'm not an idiot," Eleven finally responds. Everybody stared at him. It's not like him to say things like this but Eleven can and will say it when he wants to. Veronica muttered "Hah, roasted," under her breath. Jasper had already grown tired of Eleven's tomfoolery and got out his two swords, pointing the blade of one at Eleven.  
**_"Listen here, you little shit."_** Jasper growls. His anger was getting out of control again and it's clear he possibly needs an anger management session.  
"Don't you ever fucking _DARE_ call me an idiot again. _I AM GOING TO SHOVE THIS SWORD INTO YOUR SPINAL COLUMN."_

"Do it, you fucking coward, do it. You won't." Jasper is taken aback. The little shit! How dare he say something like that?

Eleven immediately walks up to Jasper and puts the blade of HIS sword to this throat.  
"Look who's talking. You're the one who torched Cobblestone to the ground. And you call me evil?"  
"Everybody in Cobblestone is dead Eleven, go home and just let me kill you. It's easier for the both of us."  
"Don't you fucking lie to me, Jasper. I know you're lying. So, tell me, they're not dead, aren't they?"

Jasper looked down at the supposed Darkspawn, noticing the smug grin on his face. He lowers his blade as the Darkspawn lowers his, who luckily did not slit this throat. All the while, Erik and Veronica were trying their hardest not to laugh at the ongoing scene. As Jasper turns his back on the five, he grabs a nearby rock and said this.  
**"Parry this, you filthy casual."**  
He wound up for the throw and threw the rock directly at the Luminary, with enough force to possibly snap his spine if it hit him.  
Or so he thought.  
The rock just sailed a few centimetres and landed on the ground infront of Eleven, who picked said rock up and threw it aside, looking as smug as ever. Jasper scowled.  
**_"The audacity of this bitch."_**

Everybody except the Luminary and Serena (including some of the soldiers that had arrived on scene) immediately let out a wheezing laugh as they clearly heard what Jasper called Eleven. Sylvando (or as he was called by Jasper, _"man who hasn't broken his legs yet by jumping three feet in the air"_ ) glanced over at the dark blue waters, an idea forming in his head.  
"'Aight, imma head out," Sylvando replies as he immediately dives into the ocean like he's in the Olympics and starts swimming away from the port, everybody looking as if they had the thoughts, the _fuck?_  
"Well back to what I was saying before I---"

**_Not even five seconds later, a ship immediately gets rammed into the nearby dock, nearly causing Eleven to fall into the water._ **

  
"So sorry about that, darlings! There was a bit of a technical issue, but who cares about that?! Let's set off!" Sylvando exclaims as a muscular man who donned a pink helmet named Dave was trying to play a guitar like the ship didn't just crash. Well he's more **"beating the shit out of it"** than "playing it". Jasper stares at the boat as his face contorts into an expression that only says ' _I am extremely uncomfortable right now_ '.  
"How did you even find a boat that fast?!" Jasper screeches.  
"It was right there, I can't believe you don't know that." Sylvando points to where he got the boat from. All air immediately left Jasper's lungs.  
He looks over at Eleven, who has the same smug face as he did before and knew exactly what he was going to do.  
"Darkspawn, no."  
Eleven starts taking slow steps towards the ship.  
"Darkspawn, don't you fucking dare."  
He continues stepping towards the ship, almost in a mocking manner.  
"Darkspawn, you fucking dare go on that ship-"  
The Darkspawn immediately breaks out into a mad sprint towards the ship, Jasper following him. Eleven leaps onto the ship considering everybody else got on the boat before him and waves goodbye to Jasper, saying something in Italian (which he probably learned from the Gondolians considering they are Italian) "

Addio stronza, non ci vediamo mai!" Eleven exclaimed, whilst waving. What he said roughly translates into "goodbye bitch, see you never". Erik was at his breaking point now. He was trying to not laugh throughout the whole schadenfreude but as soon as Eleven said that...

_**He fucking completely lost it.** _

As the ship pulled out of the now destroyed port and sailed off into the horizon, Jasper stared at the slowly shrinking shape of the Salty Stallion, still looking as confused as ever. First he got insulted by the Darkspawn, then he got insulted by him _again_ in _another language_. He sighed.

"...He's not only a Darkspawn, but a **_little shit_**."  
Jasper was at the point where he honestly didn't care anymore and just wanted to go back to Heliodor.

"Let's go back to Heliodor," he mumbled, feeling extremely tired from all the shit that had just unfolded before his eyes.  
"..OK, sir."  
Jasper was about to walk away, until Doge, a short man, strides up to him.  
"What are you doing?! And wh-why is the port destroyed?!" Doge demands. Jasper's eyes widen and tries his best to sound confident but fails miserably.  
"Look, look. Doge, You-you don't understand! It was the Darkspawn and his little band of friends! They crashed the ship, not me! I don't even know how to steer a ship!" Jasper screamed, definitely on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"Oh, really? And this 'Darkspawn' cursed my son, did he? What evidence do you have?"  
Jasper's immediately realized that he had fucked up. Badly. He had no evidence of the Darkspawn anymore. Well, except the destroyed port, but Doge won't believe him on that.  
Eventually, the question turned into a full-blown argument as Jasper and Doge battled it out, throwing words at each other, both trying to make their points valid.

The argument ends with Jasper fleeing from Gondolia, not wanting to continue it any longer.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, that's the entire fic. I hope you enjoyed this absolute mess of ideas I put into this and I will write more fics for the series in the future!


End file.
